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"I cant believe Jeter is out of it already... can he please get a
wild card spot or something?"
"How did Belichick lose in the first round? I thought he was
supposed to win everything..."
"LT over Merriman? Boooooooo!!!!!
That guy's a real toolbag."
"Belichik [and Schilling] cannot seriously be the only people from Boston in
this... Afraid that Brady might win?"
"All I want to say is that I don't think I can offer my support to a Who's Douche league that doesnt involve Manu Ginobli and/or Bruce Bowen..."
"Since Tim McCarver is already out, I'm rooting for Joe Buck or A-Rod. The field looks pretty stacked with world-class douches but I think either one of those guys can take home the trophy."
"Where's Skip Bayless?"
"I haven't laughed so hard in over a month. Tremendous topic and even better commentary on the douches being portrayed. I am telling all my friends about this."
"I'm surprised at a bunch of the first round results... but hey, just one man's opinion. This is an amazing idea. Kobe is my favorite to take it all."
"I really couldn't decide between Gay-Rod and Clemens, but luckily we have the electoral college to make our decisions for us."
"I am appalled at the fact that Clemens was eliminated... Maybe if we offer him 30 million he could come back for the last rounds?"
"Where's Eric Mangini? He probably wouldn't have made it too far, but I think he deserves to have been on the list."
"The vote between Kobe and A-Rod was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. Each is just as worthy of a kick in the balls as the other."
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| In July of 2007, ESPN ran a series of segments called "Who's Now" in order to determine "the ultimate sports star" based on success on and off the field. Who came up with such a pointless, subjective, extremely idiotic and universally hated idea? I don't know, but clearly it's time for a parody. Here, then, is "Who's Douche," a bracket of 32 figures in the world of sports that myself, my colleagues, and of course, you the readers, will vote on to determine who is the biggest douchebag in sports today, based on douchiness on and off the field. Soon the world will know... |  |  |
hosted by theLifeofEthan.com
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11/6/07 Our competition began with a selection of 32 athletes, commentators, managers, and commercial whores from the world of professional sports. 16 of them have been eliminated in the first round by our panel of informed judges, but all future eliminations will be determined by popular vote. Round 1 Results
11/20/07 The votes are in, and 8 more competitors have been eliminated. Read about the huge blowouts and close calls from Round 2 while we get ready to determine our division champions and move on to the playoffs. Round 2 Results
12/8/07 Another round of voting is complete, and the field of competition has been narrowed to 4. Check out the results as we move on to the interdivisional semi-finals. Round 3 Results
12/27/07 Both playoff matchups were close enough that we had to extend the voting longer than we'd planned, but it looks like we've finally determined who will be moving on to the final round to compete for the title of Sports Douche 2007. Round 4 Results
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  AND THE WINNER IS...
The battle to deterime the winner of Who's Douche 2007 was incredibly close for much of the final round, with Kobe and Cook repeatedly exchanging votes without either of them gaining a clear advantage. The tightness of the race was almost certainly caused by the sheer level of hatred that most of America feels for these two sports figures; for most voters, picking one was a lot like having to choose between never watching sports again, or being able to watch as many sports as you want as long as Joe Buck is doing the commentary (and unlike life, there ain't no mute in this hypothetical).
Of course, this battle for the ages came with its fair share of insightful, hate-spewing comments from voters on both sides of the aisle. Some choice excerpts:
"As far as "Who's Douche?" is concerned, I had to go with Dane Cook in the finals for the sole reason that Kobe is more of an asshole than a douche. Since the title of this competition is about douche-ery, Cook takes the prize."
"While Cook's douchiness is well noted, I consider him to be a mostly-harmless dickbag who I can actually enjoy making fun of. Kobe, on the other hand, mostly embodies everything about the NBA that makes me not watch it: his amazing talent is obscured by an unmistakably egotistical and douchey aura. Fuck you, Kobe Bryant."
In the end, though, only one douchebag can walk away the winner, so after several weeks of extended voting to try to determine who that winner would be, we are finally pleased to announce, with 59% of the votes...
DANE COOK
is
SPORTS DOUCHE 2007
Dane Cook's win is probably best summarized by the following comment from one of his detractors, printed here in its entirety:
"This isn't even close. While Kobe makes me hate professional sports, Dane Cook makes me hate America. Where else can a pock-marked, joke-stealing, A.D.D. frat boy fail his way to the top? This guy is the best Hollywood can come up with to play opposite The Jessicas? This guy sells out NBA basketball arenas? To put it in perspective, while Kobe is kinda a prick, I'm still jealous of his talent. For Dane Cook, his talent can be reproduced by pretty much any dude between the ages of 6 and 50. I love my girlfriend, but if I ever catch her laughing at one of his comedy specials, local law enforcement, an ass-load of tazering, and bull tranquilizers will be needed in order to subdue the rage. Honestly, I don't know what it will take for someone to dethrone him in 2008. Dane, for the sake of humanity, please take your act to the deep fringes of the internet. Speaking of which, I hear 2 girls one cup is looking for a new object to crap on."
And of course, congratulations and condolences to Kobe Bryant for being the runner-up.
CONSOLATION ROUND
As you may recall, voting was opened up after the first round for anyone to nominate a sports figure who they thought deserved to be in the competition but who'd already been eliminated or who'd been left out altogether due to some oversight by our judges. In the rounds that followed, the votes streamed in for everyone from Randy Moss to Skip Bayless to Michael Vick. Stuart Scott and Floyd Mayweather both had strong followings, as did previously-eliminated contestants like Peyton Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson.
In the end, though, it was clear that one douche in particular stood head and shoulders above the rest, so although he may not have made it into the original bracket, it is a pleasure to announce that THE 2007 MANVAGINI AWARD FOR HONORARY DOUCHEDOM goes to...
BOBBY PETRINO
Perhaps no other sports figure in recent memory has evoked more disgust, more resentment, or more hatred than Bobby Petrino, whether it was the hatred of the fans, the players, or the media at large. Although many believed he was out of his league when he began his stint as the coach of the Atlanta Falcons, Petrino's douchiness wasn't truly revealed until Week 14 after his team lost to New Orleans on Monday night. A few hours later, Petrino announced that he was resigning as head coach of the Falcons, and by the next night he was already the new coach for the Arkansas Razorbacks.
To completely screw over your team, after consistently asking them to stand by you through the tough times, without even waiting less than a month to finish the season was, simply put, the douchiest thing most of us had seen from an NFL coach for a long, long time. The Falcons players were irate. The management was disgusted. On air, reporters said Petrino was "the kind of guy who will throw water in your face and tell you it's raining." ESPN's Pat Forde offered his own analysis in the days that followed; a few choice excerpts:
"In the coming days and weeks, the disingenuous drifter will say what Arkansas fans want to hear... It will be a trumped-up stump speech, as sincere as a politician's pledge to cut taxes. It will simply be the latest pack of lies in a career full of them... He doesn't love any school or any NFL franchise. He loves himself, his playbook and his bank account. That's it. Don't expect it to change."
And to top it all off, just when you thought you couldn't hate this guy any more, he shows up at the Arkansas press conference and does the "sooey call" like he's been calling pigs his entire life. You haven't truly hated someone until you've heard them repeatedly saying "sooooey" on national television. Congratulations, Bobby Petrino: you are a douche.
| Previously eliminated: Derek Jeter (by Alex Rodriguez), Barry Bonds (by Terrell Owens), Curt Schilling (by Roger Clemens), Phil Mickelson (by Peyton Manning), Shawne Merriman (by LaDainian Tomlinson), Gilbert Arenas (by Kobe Bryant), Sean Avery (by Craig Bellamy), LeBron James (by Chad Johnson), John Madden (by Chris Berman), Tiki Barber (by Tony Kornheiser), Suzyn Waldman (by the entire cast of "Around the Horn"), John Mellencamp (by Dane Cook), John C. McGinley (by Dr. Richard Jarvik), Bill Belichick (by Ozzie Guillen), the guys at MLB who are keeping instant replay out of baseball (by the guys at ESPN who came up with "Who's Now"), Terrell Owens (by Alex Rodriguez), Peyton Manning (by Roger Clemens), LaDainian Tomlinson (by Kobe Bryant), Chad Johnson (by Craig Bellamy), Chris Berman (by Joe Buck), Tony Kornheiser (by the entire cast of "Around the Horn"), Dr. Robert Jarvik (by Dane Cook), Ozzie Guillen (by the guys at ESPN who came up with "Who's Now"), Roger Clemens (by Alex Rodriguez), Craig Bellamy (by Kobe Bryant), the entire cast of Around the Horn (by Joe Buck), the guys at ESPN who came up with "Who's Now" (by Dane Cook), Alex Rodriguez (by Kobe Bryant), Joe Buck (by Dane Cook), Kobe Bryant (by Dane Cook).
All celebrities and athletes mocked on this page are pretty big douchebags and deserve whatever public ridicule they get. No apologies, Tony. |
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